Unfortunately this screaming continued for a while, as she decided that life on the outside was not really what she expected. I can't remember ever being diagnosed with post partum depression - I don't think it had been invented yet, but I do remember that I was pretty miserable. I felt like she hated me. I would spend my days trying to make her happy, only to be repaid with incessant wails. Then, my mom, sister, and even Dan, would come and pick her up and she would stop. I could picture this kind of relationship lasting through out our lives. This little girl that I wanted so badly would never like me. Thankfully, this did change and those first few months of colic turned into a distant memory.
Today she turns 22. She is all grown up. She has a husband and a mortgage and a life that is independent of me and that is good. I think we did an okay job as parents. Not saying that I didn't make a lot of mistakes - like sending her to school with a big ol' batch of chicken pox cause she wanted to stay home because she said she had pimples. I yelled too much, didn't always listen, often was too busy, said I love you too little...but the funny thing is that she likes me. All those fears that I had in those first few days when I was doing everything right as a mother - they are gone. And despite doing so many things wrong as a mother later in her life...she likes me.
I see the relationship that Lys and I have today and I really wish I would have had that with my mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom dearly, but I don't think I would consider her my friend or someone that I confided things too. I'm not sure why. I think it was because I chose not to, so I can't hold her responsible. That makes me sad. People say that it's not good to be friends with your kids. Don't listen to them.
Happy birthday my sweet Alyssa. I love you!